Friday, August 13, 2010

When the Door You Thought Was Open...Closes

It seemed so perfect. I'd be living a new life, in a new place, with new challenges, to serve God in a new way. I'd be facing fears, learning new things, doing things I never thought I could do, fully relying on God. I'd be ministering to girls who need Christ, making a difference in their lives a little at a time, every day.

The timing was perfect. I was down to the wire on my funds, and this job came in just in time. And it wasn't just a job, it was going to be a ministry and an exciting life.

The calling seemed to fit. The prayers of many seemed to be answered. I was ready to give up all the things I held so dear to start something new for God.

Then a week later, I was let go. For what (true) reason, I may never know. The meeting went well. They still want me to spend time with the girls. They think I'm good with them one on one, they want my singles' group to come out and do dinners and such with them. But as far as my time on their was cut pretty short.

The reasons for all of this are still so unclear to me. It's hard to believe that there is a good ending to this whole story. But I have to trust in my God. He doesn't leave us hanging. I don't believe He allowed me to go through this without good reason. I may not know that reason for a while, but I do know there is one.

I'm not going to lie to you all. This threw me into a funk. I've been very down all day. I spent some time standing out in the rain, thinking... the tears ended last night, today was more of a numb feeling.

I feel like I missed out somehow on my calling. I feel like I did something wrong and failed God, my friends, my Bible teachers, my pastors, and my family. I feel like I made a big deal about nothing. I feel a lot of things right now...and none of these feelings include clarity...

But do not despair...I have a happy ending to this. God hasn't given up on me, and I will not be giving up on Him. I had a little time when I honestly didn't feel like talking to Him, and it probably won't be the last time I feel like that. But God, in His sovereign grace and patience, is ready to take me back and get me back on track.

So I don't know what my future holds. I have no clue, and honestly, it's the best place to be. It's a strangely calming, overwhelming, scary, disturbing, exciting, wonderful feeling, and I hope it's over soon... :)


  1. Hi Alex,

    My heart hurts for your heart. The rollercoaster that you must feel like you've been on surely must be playing with your heart and emotions.

    As I read what you wrote here, suddenly I was reminded of some of the twists and turns in the whole story of Jane and the saga of bringing her home.

    On the path that for all the world seemed right, then BOOM, out of the blue, for no apparent reason, a major change. A door slams shut. And all they could do is stand there saying "What just happened here?"

    Then, little by little, the crazy, haphazard, stomach-turning twists and turns begin to look more like methodical, perfect direction to a bigger picture that ultimately lead them to her.

    He presented an opportunity and you showed Him that you were willing to just J-U-M-P. Sometimes He looks first for our willingness to be obedient. You've demonstrated your willingness to go outside your comfort zone for Him. Could it be that this was all He wanted from you on this particular adventure? No one really can tell you right now, but one thing is sure -- He doesn't think or do things like we do. To us, this would seem utterly cruel and illogical. To Him? Maybe not so much.

    You can rest in the fact that you were willing to just JUMP when He said JUMP. Would that more of us would be so obedient, hon!

    Love you lots and couldn't be more proud of you. :D


  2. Ruth, you mean so much to me. Your words are more encouraging than you could ever imagine. I'm trying to take solace in the fact that I was obedient...and I walked up to the door and was near it when it closed... It's tempting to fall back into another slump, and it's hard to just keep moving on, but having amazing friends like you around makes it much easier!