Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Longing for Something More

I know it's been a while since I posted. I really have no excuse, since I have nothing else eating up my time.

I know this job simply wasn't meant to be. I know that I'm mostly glad things didn't work out. I know that God's got a plan for me. I know that He'll never leave me hanging. I know I know I know.

What I don't know is what's next, or how I'm ever going to be able to be a part of God's Plan. I feel so insignificant, useless, awkward and insufficient. I feel like "a bull in a china shop," as my mom used to say; everywhere I go, everything I touch, I seem to mess up. Any idea I have for a job prospect is quickly replaced by a long list of reasons I would never succeed.

Call it depression, call it pathetically low self-esteem, call it whatever you want, and you'll be right. This is mostly why I haven't posted anything. As transparent as I try to be with you, my faithful readers, I don't want to be such a downer.

But I have to be honest with you. No matter how many "facts" I have about what happened at steppin' stone, the emotional impact remains the same. My heart is broken, and I'm scared to jump back in.

I know that "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7), but right now I'm honestly just not feeling it. I know I shouldn't follow up God's word with "but"... when I was a little girl, I used to say "but" alot... mom used to tell me "anything that comes after 'but' is crap."

"But" I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this. And I am tired of waiting for some magic words to make me instantly feel revived and renewed. No. There is no singular verse in scripture that's going to immediately make me feel better. I may be momentarily relieved and reassured by some verses, but it will only be through daily reading and meditating on the Word of God, and quality time in prayer with my King, that I will find healing.

I'm realizing these truths as I type them to you. My emotional state at the moment is huge evidence to what happens when we stray away from daily time with Christ.

So I openly, honestly and earnestly seek out your prayers for me as I try to come back into a pattern of walking WITH Christ, not just in Him.

I hope that somehow in this ultra-depressing post, you will be blessed. I love you all and feel your prayers.

1 comment:

  1. Ultra-depressing is hardly how I would characterize this post. In fact, "depressing" would not have ever even come to mind. Open. Raw. Honest. Blunt. Real. But not depressing.

    And if any person reading your words has never felt (or is feeling now) the way you describe in this post, then... me thinks they are either posing or not even trying anymore to live for Him.

    I'll take a good open and brutally honest dialog any day over fluff and empty words that mask what's really going on inside.

    Speak your heart as much as you want, Alex -- it's what keeps it real for all of us. And your words give our inner thoughts validation. We, who aren't even as brave as you to be as honest. :)

    You are loved,