Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Move Me

I'm trying very hard to clean out my closet right now, and I've come across a larger-than-life box of cards, letters, crafts, etc. from ages ago. My mom gave it to me a long while back, and everything in it has not been seen by anyone in at least 3 years...it's been longer for me (I found a letter written to me 22 years ago I'd never seen before).

Anyway, I just found a song/poem I wrote. I don't remember the music for it, but the lyrics definitely speak to how I've been feeling. How good God is to give me this reminder that I wrote these words so very long ago, so long before today, when I need them most. He knew I'd come across it today of all days. So, in honor of our God, who knows exactly what we need exactly when we need it, I want to share this with all of you.

Move Me

When the music ends
And I'm alone again
Reality creeps back in
Through the back of my mind

Friends try to comfort me
With the simplicity
Of the truths they say
To give me courage, give me strength....

They tell me that

In me
There is strength to move a mountain
But I don't want to move the mountain
I want to leave it be.

They tell me that

In me
There is strength to take that mountain
And throw it to the sea
But throwing's not for me

I want to the Maker of the mountains and the sea
To move me

When the day is through
And I'm ready to
Try to sleep but
Sleep won't come easily to me

I've heard it all before
So please don't tell me more
I know the way it goes
You must have faith the size of a mustard seed

I know that only then
I'll find that

In me
There is strength to move a mountain
But I don't want to move the mountain
I'd rather leave it be.

I know that
In me
There is strength to take that mountain
And throw it to the sea
But throwing's not for me

I want the Maker of the mountains and the sea
To move me

I'm reaching out for restoration
And all I find is desperation
When will all this desolation
Let me reach my destination

I'm not asking for an easy way out
I know that's not what it's all about
Lord just please remove my doubt

Lord, you are and will forever be
My Ultimate Provider
But first I'm asking You
To fulfill my one desire

In me
There is strength to move a mountain
But I don't want to move the mountain
I'd really rather leave it be.

In me
There is strength to take that mountain
And throw it to the sea
But throwing's not for me

I want You, the Maker of the mountains and the sea
To come back down and lift me up
And move me.

Longing for Something More

I know it's been a while since I posted. I really have no excuse, since I have nothing else eating up my time.

I know this job simply wasn't meant to be. I know that I'm mostly glad things didn't work out. I know that God's got a plan for me. I know that He'll never leave me hanging. I know I know I know.

What I don't know is what's next, or how I'm ever going to be able to be a part of God's Plan. I feel so insignificant, useless, awkward and insufficient. I feel like "a bull in a china shop," as my mom used to say; everywhere I go, everything I touch, I seem to mess up. Any idea I have for a job prospect is quickly replaced by a long list of reasons I would never succeed.

Call it depression, call it pathetically low self-esteem, call it whatever you want, and you'll be right. This is mostly why I haven't posted anything. As transparent as I try to be with you, my faithful readers, I don't want to be such a downer.

But I have to be honest with you. No matter how many "facts" I have about what happened at steppin' stone, the emotional impact remains the same. My heart is broken, and I'm scared to jump back in.

I know that "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7), but right now I'm honestly just not feeling it. I know I shouldn't follow up God's word with "but"... when I was a little girl, I used to say "but" alot... mom used to tell me "anything that comes after 'but' is crap."

"But" I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this. And I am tired of waiting for some magic words to make me instantly feel revived and renewed. No. There is no singular verse in scripture that's going to immediately make me feel better. I may be momentarily relieved and reassured by some verses, but it will only be through daily reading and meditating on the Word of God, and quality time in prayer with my King, that I will find healing.

I'm realizing these truths as I type them to you. My emotional state at the moment is huge evidence to what happens when we stray away from daily time with Christ.

So I openly, honestly and earnestly seek out your prayers for me as I try to come back into a pattern of walking WITH Christ, not just in Him.

I hope that somehow in this ultra-depressing post, you will be blessed. I love you all and feel your prayers.

Friday, August 13, 2010

When the Door You Thought Was Open...Closes

It seemed so perfect. I'd be living a new life, in a new place, with new challenges, to serve God in a new way. I'd be facing fears, learning new things, doing things I never thought I could do, fully relying on God. I'd be ministering to girls who need Christ, making a difference in their lives a little at a time, every day.

The timing was perfect. I was down to the wire on my funds, and this job came in just in time. And it wasn't just a job, it was going to be a ministry and an exciting life.

The calling seemed to fit. The prayers of many seemed to be answered. I was ready to give up all the things I held so dear to start something new for God.

Then a week later, I was let go. For what (true) reason, I may never know. The meeting went well. They still want me to spend time with the girls. They think I'm good with them one on one, they want my singles' group to come out and do dinners and such with them. But as far as my time on their staff...it was cut pretty short.

The reasons for all of this are still so unclear to me. It's hard to believe that there is a good ending to this whole story. But I have to trust in my God. He doesn't leave us hanging. I don't believe He allowed me to go through this without good reason. I may not know that reason for a while, but I do know there is one.

I'm not going to lie to you all. This threw me into a funk. I've been very down all day. I spent some time standing out in the rain, thinking... the tears ended last night, today was more of a numb feeling.

I feel like I missed out somehow on my calling. I feel like I did something wrong and failed God, my friends, my Bible teachers, my pastors, and my family. I feel like I made a big deal about nothing. I feel a lot of things right now...and none of these feelings include clarity...

But do not despair...I have a happy ending to this. God hasn't given up on me, and I will not be giving up on Him. I had a little time when I honestly didn't feel like talking to Him, and it probably won't be the last time I feel like that. But God, in His sovereign grace and patience, is ready to take me back and get me back on track.

So I don't know what my future holds. I have no clue, and honestly, it's the best place to be. It's a strangely calming, overwhelming, scary, disturbing, exciting, wonderful feeling, and I hope it's over soon... :)

Friday, August 6, 2010

I'm Not Enough

So, I promised updates on my time at the farm, and since today is my first day off, it's the first time I've had a chance to get online. Let me tell you all it has been an amazing experience so far! I'm sure there will be days that I'll want to just curl up in a ball and cry, but I'm convinced at this point that God isn't going to guide me into anything He's not capable of bringing me through. I've already done so many things I didn't think I was capable of! And I know it's not me, but rather God working through me. I honestly have no doubt!

I would love to sit here and list everything that God is doing, but it's just so much! I really have very few words to describe this experience, except to say that God is bringing me to places I never thought I'd be, in situations I never thought I'd be in, to do things I never thought I'd do. The amazing thing is that God has overshadowed every "I" in my life, and I'm starting to learn to just say, "Ok God...I can't do this but I know you can...so, do Your thing!"

That's really all I have to share right now. Perhaps the next update will give more material to write.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Oh yeah...

So, I forgot to mention on this blog, I GOT THE JOB!!!

That's right!! After over a year of praying and searching for work, God has provided a job for me that is not just a job but an amazing ministry opportunity!

I'm going to be working at Steppin' Stone Farms http://www.steppinstonefarm.org/index.htm, training to be a house parent. It's going to be a very demanding, though extremely rewarding job, and it seems to be EXACTLY what God has been preparing me for!

I start this Wednesday at around 10 a.m., and prayers would be GREATLY appreciated! I am still quite nervous about it, but I know that if this is God's plan for my life, it will work out. I'm trusting in all His promises He gave me during this past year.

I was talking to my dear friend Robin Parker today and I was telling her how I wasn't looking forward to not being able to go to my church every week. I said, "why is God taking me away from my HOME!?" (emphasis on excessively whiny voice), and then I realized what I'm really saying is "why is God taking me out of my COMFORT ZONE!?"

But He never once promises our lives in Him will be easy...He does promise, though, that He will never leave or forsake us. So we are never truly alone. It is such a comfort to remember always that the same God I worship Sunday mornings at Fishhawk Fellowship Church is the same God I worship at Refuge at Bell Shoals...Metamorphosis .... Daily in my own living room... driving in the car... and working at the Farm! He's in all of those places, which means I'm not truly torn apart from my family! How EXCITING is that!?

So, I'm actually going to try to keep this post short (I always say that, don't I?), so I'll end it here. But another blog is coming soon, I promise!

Thank you all for your prayers up to this point, and I hope you will continue to pray as I start to learn how to do that which I truly believe God is calling me to!