The Sun Came Up Today

I was working yesterday all alone for the first time, minus the two cats who decided they didn't like me so much... And I got to thinking...random thoughts... about church and work and family and friends and music and food... haha.

Then I started thinking, for whatever reason, about how I wanted to go help set up with the worship night we had last night with Refuge. I thought about how much time and effort it takes to put an event like that together. All the pre-planning, finding the time and date, getting materials, organizing the program, setting up, going through the event, and tearing down safely and efficiently. I thought about all the things that go into making church happen on Sunday morning. And my brain went reeling.

Then God jumped into the conversation. "Do you know how much it takes for the sun to come up in the morning?"

I thought about what it would take us to do that. We'd need trillions upon trillions of dollars for a track to hold our orbit in place, scientists to monitor the rate of motion, repair astronauts for keeping the track greased, agreement between all nations as to what time the sun should peak their horizon. Then all of a sudden everything would come to a standstill because the Earth's office CEO is placing bets against the Sun's office CEO...and an affair with his secretary... then we'd all try to catch all the news on TV, but that wouldn't happen because earth has stopped moving during deliberation, and one side of the earth burns and the other freezes...

Yes, my brain was running a mile a minute...

Then I realized just how much it takes for God to do it... He simply looks at the sun and says "ok Sun, go do your thing," and it happens. See how easy that was?

Psalm 8:3,4 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

How incredible! He's got the time to keep everything spinning in perfect motion, and is thinking of us the whole time!

God, You are all we need, You are all we truly have. Forgive us when we doubt Your ability to help in our time of need. Rescue us from anxiety. Help us to remember, You've got it covered! We thank You, Father, for being our everything!

Caro Gesu' Ti Scrivo

This was one of my favorite songs last time I was in Italy (11 years ago...I was 12) Just tracked it down and decided to share it with everyone!!

Caro Gesù ti Scrivo

(“Zecchino d’oro” 1997 - musica e testo: M. Piccoli)

Caro Gesù ti scrivo per chi non ti scrive mai,
Dear Jesus, I write to you for those who don't
per chi ha il cuore sordo bruciato dalla vanità,
For those whose hearts are burned and deaf from vanity
per chi ti tradisce per quei sogni che non portano a niente,
For those who betray You for dreams and lead nowhere
per chi non capisce questa gioia di sentirti sempre amico e vicino.
Because they don't understand the joy of having You forever with them as their Friend

Caro Gesù ti scrivo per chi una casa non ce l'ha,
Dear Jesus I write to You for those who have no home
per chi ha lasciato l'Africa lontana e cerca un po' di solidarietà,
For those in Africa, near and far, for some solidarity (not sure about this one, going to double check with dad what this line actually is trying to say)
per chi non sa riempire questa vita con l'amore e i fiori del perdono,
for those who don't fill this life with love and the beauty of forgiveness
per chi crede che sia finita, per chi ha paura del mondo che c'è
For those who think it's all over, and are afraid of the world that is.
e più non crede nell'uomo.
And no longer believe in humanity

Gesù ti prego ancora:
Jesus I beg you again:
vieni a illuminare i nostri cuori soli,
Come and bring light to our lonely hearts
a dare un senso a questi giorni duri,
to make sense of these hard days
a camminare insieme a noi.
and walk with us
Vieni a colorare il cielo di ogni giorno,
Come and color our sky each day
a fare il vento più felice intorno,
bring joy in the wind (loose translation)
ad aiutare chi non ce la fa...
And help those who don't have the faith.

Caro Gesù ti scrivo perché non ne posso più
Dear Jesus I write beause I can't take anymore
di quelli che sanno tutto e in questo tutto non ci sei tu,
Of those who know everything and yet don't know You.
perché voglio che ci sia più amore per quei fratelli che non hanno niente,
Because I want there to be more love for our brothers who have nothing
e che la pace, come il grano al sole, cresca e poi diventi pane d'oro
And that peace, like grain in the sun, would grow to be made into golden bread
di tutta la gente.
for all people.

Gesù ti prego ancora:
Jesus I beg you again:
vieni a illuminare i nostri cuori soli,
Come and bring light to our lonely hearts
a dare un senso a questi giorni duri,
to make sense of these hard days
a camminare insieme a noi.
and walk with us
Vieni a colorare il cielo di ogni giorno,
Come and color our sky each day
a fare il vento più felice intorno,
bring joy in the wind (loose translation)
ad aiutare chi non ce la fa...
And help those who don't have the faith.


Signore vieni! Signore vieni!
Lord Come! Lord Come!

Brush Your Teeth!

(I know, it's been a long time, and yes, I will keep on apologizing every time I've waited too long to post something new...so just deal with it... ok I'm done being mean).

I had a very interesting conversation with God this morning, and as best as I can, I'd like to share it with you. I've been working harder lately on making a daily quiet time a given part of my day. I used to fear having it become simple routine, just something to do because I'm supposed to. However, I've come to the realization that in my life in particular, daily time with God is not going to become a dry, mindless ritual.

However, while I'd been doing very well each day this past week, for the last 3 days or so, my personal, set-apart time with God has been lacking. And boy did it beome evident very very quickly.

I tried to tell God that I'm just no good at making new routines... but God didn't hesitate to give me an answer to my excuse.

"Alex, your daily time with Me is just like brushing your teeth!"

And, instantly, everything else just fell into place and made perfect sense. (Beware, this isn't fluffy and pleasant...)

When you don't brush your teeth, you feel it all day. Once you realize it, you can't help but run your tongue across your teeth and sulk over that rough feeling that would be gone had you brushed. Not to mention your breath isn't all that great. Not only do you notice, but other people may notice, too... and that's never good. And not to mention the disease and death that slowly happens to your teeth and gums when not properly cared for. Sure it doesn't happen by missing once in a while. But if you continually neglect the care of your teeth, it will backfire.

All of the same is true for my daily time with God. If I don't spend that initial time with Him, I feel it all day. I know something was missed and it nags at me. Not to mention my attitude isn't as great. I notice it, and most likely, others notice it, too. And that's never good.

And of course, over time, if I choose to neglect my time with God, I start to see the over-reaching consequences. Before I know it, I've become depressed, discouraged, ready to give up. Whenever this happens, I can always trace it back to having eliminated that vital part of my mornings.

Thankfully, though, God is our healer. Once we come back to Him, and determine in our hearts to not let a day pass without spending quality time with our heavenly Father, He begins to redeem the time lost, and continues His work in us. This is why we are always a "work in progress."

Move Me

I'm trying very hard to clean out my closet right now, and I've come across a larger-than-life box of cards, letters, crafts, etc. from ages ago. My mom gave it to me a long while back, and everything in it has not been seen by anyone in at least 3 years...it's been longer for me (I found a letter written to me 22 years ago I'd never seen before).

Anyway, I just found a song/poem I wrote. I don't remember the music for it, but the lyrics definitely speak to how I've been feeling. How good God is to give me this reminder that I wrote these words so very long ago, so long before today, when I need them most. He knew I'd come across it today of all days. So, in honor of our God, who knows exactly what we need exactly when we need it, I want to share this with all of you.

Move Me

When the music ends
And I'm alone again
Reality creeps back in
Through the back of my mind

Friends try to comfort me
With the simplicity
Of the truths they say
To give me courage, give me strength....

They tell me that

In me
There is strength to move a mountain
But I don't want to move the mountain
I want to leave it be.

They tell me that

In me
There is strength to take that mountain
And throw it to the sea
But throwing's not for me

I want to the Maker of the mountains and the sea
To move me

When the day is through
And I'm ready to
Try to sleep but
Sleep won't come easily to me

I've heard it all before
So please don't tell me more
I know the way it goes
You must have faith the size of a mustard seed

I know that only then
I'll find that

In me
There is strength to move a mountain
But I don't want to move the mountain
I'd rather leave it be.

I know that
In me
There is strength to take that mountain
And throw it to the sea
But throwing's not for me

I want the Maker of the mountains and the sea
To move me

I'm reaching out for restoration
And all I find is desperation
When will all this desolation
Let me reach my destination

I'm not asking for an easy way out
I know that's not what it's all about
Lord just please remove my doubt

Lord, you are and will forever be
My Ultimate Provider
But first I'm asking You
To fulfill my one desire

In me
There is strength to move a mountain
But I don't want to move the mountain
I'd really rather leave it be.

In me
There is strength to take that mountain
And throw it to the sea
But throwing's not for me

I want You, the Maker of the mountains and the sea
To come back down and lift me up
And move me.

Longing for Something More

I know it's been a while since I posted. I really have no excuse, since I have nothing else eating up my time.

I know this job simply wasn't meant to be. I know that I'm mostly glad things didn't work out. I know that God's got a plan for me. I know that He'll never leave me hanging. I know I know I know.

What I don't know is what's next, or how I'm ever going to be able to be a part of God's Plan. I feel so insignificant, useless, awkward and insufficient. I feel like "a bull in a china shop," as my mom used to say; everywhere I go, everything I touch, I seem to mess up. Any idea I have for a job prospect is quickly replaced by a long list of reasons I would never succeed.

Call it depression, call it pathetically low self-esteem, call it whatever you want, and you'll be right. This is mostly why I haven't posted anything. As transparent as I try to be with you, my faithful readers, I don't want to be such a downer.

But I have to be honest with you. No matter how many "facts" I have about what happened at steppin' stone, the emotional impact remains the same. My heart is broken, and I'm scared to jump back in.

I know that "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7), but right now I'm honestly just not feeling it. I know I shouldn't follow up God's word with "but"... when I was a little girl, I used to say "but" alot... mom used to tell me "anything that comes after 'but' is crap."

"But" I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this. And I am tired of waiting for some magic words to make me instantly feel revived and renewed. No. There is no singular verse in scripture that's going to immediately make me feel better. I may be momentarily relieved and reassured by some verses, but it will only be through daily reading and meditating on the Word of God, and quality time in prayer with my King, that I will find healing.

I'm realizing these truths as I type them to you. My emotional state at the moment is huge evidence to what happens when we stray away from daily time with Christ.

So I openly, honestly and earnestly seek out your prayers for me as I try to come back into a pattern of walking WITH Christ, not just in Him.

I hope that somehow in this ultra-depressing post, you will be blessed. I love you all and feel your prayers.

When the Door You Thought Was Open...Closes

It seemed so perfect. I'd be living a new life, in a new place, with new challenges, to serve God in a new way. I'd be facing fears, learning new things, doing things I never thought I could do, fully relying on God. I'd be ministering to girls who need Christ, making a difference in their lives a little at a time, every day.

The timing was perfect. I was down to the wire on my funds, and this job came in just in time. And it wasn't just a job, it was going to be a ministry and an exciting life.

The calling seemed to fit. The prayers of many seemed to be answered. I was ready to give up all the things I held so dear to start something new for God.

Then a week later, I was let go. For what (true) reason, I may never know. The meeting went well. They still want me to spend time with the girls. They think I'm good with them one on one, they want my singles' group to come out and do dinners and such with them. But as far as my time on their staff...it was cut pretty short.

The reasons for all of this are still so unclear to me. It's hard to believe that there is a good ending to this whole story. But I have to trust in my God. He doesn't leave us hanging. I don't believe He allowed me to go through this without good reason. I may not know that reason for a while, but I do know there is one.

I'm not going to lie to you all. This threw me into a funk. I've been very down all day. I spent some time standing out in the rain, thinking... the tears ended last night, today was more of a numb feeling.

I feel like I missed out somehow on my calling. I feel like I did something wrong and failed God, my friends, my Bible teachers, my pastors, and my family. I feel like I made a big deal about nothing. I feel a lot of things right now...and none of these feelings include clarity...

But do not despair...I have a happy ending to this. God hasn't given up on me, and I will not be giving up on Him. I had a little time when I honestly didn't feel like talking to Him, and it probably won't be the last time I feel like that. But God, in His sovereign grace and patience, is ready to take me back and get me back on track.

So I don't know what my future holds. I have no clue, and honestly, it's the best place to be. It's a strangely calming, overwhelming, scary, disturbing, exciting, wonderful feeling, and I hope it's over soon... :)

I'm Not Enough

So, I promised updates on my time at the farm, and since today is my first day off, it's the first time I've had a chance to get online. Let me tell you all it has been an amazing experience so far! I'm sure there will be days that I'll want to just curl up in a ball and cry, but I'm convinced at this point that God isn't going to guide me into anything He's not capable of bringing me through. I've already done so many things I didn't think I was capable of! And I know it's not me, but rather God working through me. I honestly have no doubt!

I would love to sit here and list everything that God is doing, but it's just so much! I really have very few words to describe this experience, except to say that God is bringing me to places I never thought I'd be, in situations I never thought I'd be in, to do things I never thought I'd do. The amazing thing is that God has overshadowed every "I" in my life, and I'm starting to learn to just say, "Ok God...I can't do this but I know you can...so, do Your thing!"

That's really all I have to share right now. Perhaps the next update will give more material to write.