Stuck in a rut

Hello ladies,

I have to be honest with you all. Always have been, why stop now? I don't want to waste precious time with details, but my heart is heavy at the moment. I'm no longer depressed, by God's grace alone, but I lack the motivation to take the next step in my life. It also doesn't help that I don't know what that next step is supposed to be. All the next steps just seem too big for me.

But they aren't too big for God. I love writing on here because it makes me think things through. Though no one seems to be reading it right now, at least I am...

I simply feel overwhelmed right now. My days keep slipping away before I have a chance to do anything with them. I just wish time would stop for just a few moments so I could catch up. It's like walking with those dear friends of mine who have very long legs... one of their steps it like three of mine, so unless I'm nearly jogging, I fall behind.

That's where I'm at right now. I've fallen behind. I'm trying, though, to remember that God doesn't want us to compare ourselves to those around us. But I also need to get moving. Time's a-wastin'!

So, all of this just to say, please pray for me. Pray that God would give me the strength I need to get up and get going!

Love you all!

God is so Good!!!

Hello ladies!!!

This past week I was at youth camp. I know many of you were praying for me, and I can tell you your prayers were answered! I cannot begin to tell you how much God spoke to me through this week...ok I take that back...I can try to begin to tell you...teehee.

Let me start at the beginning. I was trying to get over a cold. I had no voice, and if I tried to laugh (which you all know I love to do!), I would start coughing nearly uncontrollably. But I was not about to let it stop me from keeping my commitment to this camp. Between that and my job situation, I simply wasn't sure if I would make it, but I simply prayed that if God didn't want me to go, He'd stop me. Well, He didn't stop me!

Now, you all don't know this, but when I start to lose my voice, the first thing to go is my laugh...then the next thing to go is my ability to sing. I already had a problem laughing, and I couldn't sing either, but I love few things in life more than singing worship songs. So, I prayed that God would somehow allow me to sing along in worship. We tried singing on the bus, in the dorms, anywhere else, and I couldn't. But, worship music started in services, and sure enough, I could sing without coughing! I was completely asymptomatic, so long as I was singing to my Jesus.

It gave me a peace in knowing that our Lord, not only inhabits the praises of His people, He will not inhibit their praises! It was amazing though... the second I tried to turn the attention to myself and my voice, it faded... as I focused on praising my Lord, I was able to without any problems. Now, I'm not sure that I was perfectly on key (lol), since I had no voice all the other times, but I do know that under any other circumstances, my singing would have made me cough uncontrollably. And I didn't! Praise God!

Then, of course, there was the material we studied. The entire theme was spiritual warfare. And I'll tell you what...the enemy DID NOT WANT us to learn this material. But by the Grace of God, and by His protection, we all learned so much about the power of God and the deception and weakness of satan. The devil was exposed for the weakling, good-for-nothing, toothless lion that he is. Many teens surrendered many areas of their lives to God. 39 students accepted Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. Truth was taught, Truth was learned. My prayer is that these amazing teenagers of ours will be able to teach us, their friends, and even their parents, a thing or two about their Glorious Jesus!

I feel so much closer to our teens after this week, and the Lord solidified in my heart that this is what He wants me to do. The heart I have for our teens (especially our girls), is huge. So many areas of my life have come full circle, and God revealed so many things in my heart. Now, the question is no longer, "what?" Now it's "How?" I know I will be relying on God fully during all of this, and I am trusting Him completely on this journey, but there are still some things I don't know.

I'm still looking for an income, but if I have to give up some things for the sake of God's plan for my life, I'm willing to do it! I know that being in God's Will is the safest place I can possibly be. When I consider that my eternity is, well, eternal...compared to it, my life on here is but a vapor! (Psalm 144:4).

God has given me the privilege and pleasure of enjoying so many beautiful things around me. I praise Him for delivering me from the darkness of the deep depression I was in, and for bringing me to a place of belonging and purpose!

Blind Spot Information Systems and Workout Playlists

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_Spot_Information_Systemformation_System
So, every time I see the commercials for this thing, and similar technologies (I believe Ford came out with one), I can't help but rant to myself...but why keep the genius thinking to myself?

God gave me a blind-spot detection system for free! It's called.... (drumroll please...)...a NECK!!! Just turn for a second before changing lanes...save yourself the money and use what God gave you! Stop trying to drive like you're in a spy movie and everything will be fine...teehee... ok I'm done ranting...for now...

Ok, so enough of that... I have a small update to make in the fitness area of my life. Tobymac is going to help me lose weight! (Man, how awesome would that be for him to do, I don't know, some sort of combo Tae Bo and Zumba class?) No, he's not personally helping me, but I took some of the faster, more extreme songs from his albums (the ones less likely to ever hit The Joy FM's day-time playlist), and put together a workout cd (with one track each from Jake Smith and the Crossing Live.)

The great thing about this cd is that, because I absolutely LOVE Tobymac (and, really, who doesn't?), I can exercise as long as Toby sings! currently the cd is 40 minutes long, but I can easily add more of his amazing stuff on there...the posibilities are endless...and yay for repeat features on cd players! HAHA!

So, I cannot wait to lose all this weight and be able to say Toby helped...maybe we can convince him to do a workout video? Hmmm....the wheels in my head are turning now!

An Itch for Updating

Hello to my sisters!

I've been incredibly busy this past week. Little things here and there, but finally getting my head back in the game. I refreshed some of my office skills at the church office helping out with a few projects. I was so grateful to them for giving me so much to do. It's nice to feel useful like I used to in my old jobs. Gotta love the binding machine! My favorite!!! Yes, I know, this makes me odd.

I also spent the weekend house-sitting. I had a blast with all three ladies of the house, and had a more relaxing weekend than I would have even had at home. It was a wonderful time of "chilaxing," playing Life, watching many many youtube music videos (yay Silly Songs!), and watching some documentary about the world's strongest toddler (kid's stonger than me, sheesh...ok, maybe not so much).

Sunday was the day we chose to celebrate my dad's birthday. Mom suggested that I take him to Anthony's Coal-Fired Pizza on 60. Since he wasn't in a very celebratory mood (is he really ever?), I honestly wasn't sure he'd go anywhere...much less a place he'd never been to. But I came home, went into my room, and said a little prayer. To my surprise (why was I surprised?), he VERY willingly came to the restaurant. It was a fun time with dad, daughter, and son. How wonderful it is to know that God even cares about the seemengly little prayers in our lives? :-)

On the slightly negative side, I think my knee is arthritic. I feel old, unable to walk in a normal fashion, though, praise God, it is feeling a little bit better. Yesterday was pretty intense, though, with quite a bit of pain that was hard to mask in the church. Luckily, I was surrounded by my church-family, which always brings me joy, so it was much easier to keep the smile on my face!

I love you all, my sweet sisters in Christ! I hope you realize just how important you all are to me. Each and every one of you have blessed me in some specific way, and you are more family to me than any of my own family. I've heard it said that friends are God's way of apologizing for family, but I disagree. I believe when we accept Christ, we become a part of His family, and we need to see our brothers and sisters in Christ like family and not just like friends. In fact, I think if we really saw it like that, there wouldn't be any church-hopping over petty differences and hurt feelings. If we realize that we'll be spending eternity together, we see eachother differently (ok, getting off my soap box now). And that is how I see you all... when I say sisters, I MEAN sisters! I never had a sister, but now that I'm getting older and more on my own, God has blessed me with tons of amazing sisters to love and be loved by. Praise Jesus!!!

Right Place, Right Time

Since You are my rock and my fortress,

for the sake of Your Name

lead and guide me.

Psalm 31:3

Hello Sisters!

I simply had to take some time and share with you something that happened on Thursday. I wasn't going to, but it ties into so many of my themes for this blog, so I just couldn't resist!

I was coming back home from a meeting, and I suddenly had a craving for something from Checkers... I didn't even know which greasy, horrible burger I wanted, but I knew that I knew that I knew, I wanted those fries! I mean, come on, they have the best fast food fries around!

But as I was driving closer to my home, the Lord began to convict me of my eating habits, and before I knew it I was instead craving my chicken salad sandwich (my friends in meta know the chicken salad I'm talking about...I made it as a snack once). But, I had no chicken, and no red onion (I'm sorry, but it's just not my chicken salad without the red onion), so I went to the supermarket to get my ingredients.

I was driving down the road towards my apartment, and I saw a girl, about my own age, with a neck brace, limping. So I pulled over to ask her if she was ok. Long long story short, she said she had been hit by a car. She was going into shock and she was very disoriented. I tried to offer to make a phone call for her (her cell phone battery was dead and she couldn't even call 911), but she said, no, that it was ok, that she was going to try to go back to the scene of the accident and see if the driver was going to come back.

She turned around and started to walk back to where it all happened, but she didn't make it more than about 30 feet, before she fell on her back, in the grass, and began seizing. I had let her start walking away, but I didn't let her out of my sight. I called 911 and help miraculously came in record time. It looked like she was going to be ok, barring her accident injuries.

I am not trying to show off, and I'm not in the running for a good citizens award. I'm only sharing this story with you, so that I can show how important it is to listen to God's voice. Had I ignored Him, and gone to Checkers instead, I would have taken a completely different route home and I wouldn't have seen this woman. and it was in a more secluded area, and I didn't see anyone else coming out to see her until law enforcement and the paramedics pulled in. Also, because I had stopped to talk to her, she turned around...in a different direction than she was going...she was very near a street, and had she collapsed in the street, who knows what could have happened? All this to say I have no idea how long it would have taken someone else to find her and get her. help.

I haven't gotten out of the house much since losing my job. If I'm out of the house, it's normally for something church- or mom-related. I very rarely leave for any other reason. It was a blessing in my life to have been in the right place and the right time, and I ask that you pray for this young woman. I only caught her first name, which I will also leave private. God know who she is, even if we don't.

I'm not sure how many opportunities I've lost to help others, or to share God's love and truth. The thought breaks my heart, though, because I know I've missed more chances than I should have. But thank God for His grace! Nothing is wasted with Him, and it is still not too late to choose to take the moment we are in (that's right, right now), and obey Him. We cannot change the past, but we can make a decision for our present, and leave our future in His hands. If we trust Him to lead and guide us in His will and love, we simply can't go wrong!

Hello to my dearest friends!

In case you didn't notice, it's been a LONG time since I've posted anything on this blog. I have a few reasons for this, none of which are very good excuses, but they are what they are.

First off...I've lost pretty much no weight at all... I think around month two, when I realized I'd lost a grand total of 4 pounds, my 10 pound a month goal wasn't going to happen. But, things are changing in my life and list of priorities, with exercising and getting into all-around better health being in my top 5 (don't fret, my "priority list" is quite detailed, so to give it a 5 isn't bad at all...).

Second, up until about two months ago, I didn't have internet access at home. Now I do! By God's grace and provision, I was able to purchase a netbook (very affordable, fyi) for my apartment. Now I am able to update all the time, and I most certainly plan to!

Third, I've been ridiculously depressed. In the name of transparency, I've been down in the dumps. Being unemployed and not having much to do each day takes a toll on a person's self-esteem and self-worth. I can feel myself slowly climbing out of this pit, though (Not quite fully out yet, but I'm praising God in advance for what I know He's going to do in my life).

One thing that He has been driving home to me more often each day, is that I need to stop looking to my "self-esteem" and "self-worth". Now, don't get me wrong here, we all (sisters in Christ) have beautiful worth and value because we are God's children. We are His princesses, children of the King!

For a while now, though, I've had a really hard time finding any value in myself. I had started feeling that to say that "well, Jesus loves me" was just a mantra for losers who have no one else who likes them all that much. Like when the nerds we grew up with insisted, "well, my mom loves me!" Of course...she's your mom...what else is she going to do? For a season, I honestly felt that the love of God was my last resort. If all else fails, I can lean on God.

I'd like you to take a second and watch this YouTube video.

The Awe Factor of God - Francis Chan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ya12I036lg

Please don't misunderstand me, I've known about this video for a few months now, and I'll be honest with you, it still hasn't fully hit me. I haven't seen it and gone, "oh well, in that case, I can now change every negative thought about myself, because God, being this big, still loves me." It's been a process, I promise you. But the more I think about this video, and just how big God actually is (we'll never truly know until we get to see Him), the more I stand in awe.

Now, one way to look at this video is to say, "wow we must be pretty special if God cares so much for us to send His Son to die for us. As tiny as we are, He still cares." This is true. God sees us as special to Him, and He does care enough for us today to pursue us with all His Heart until we finally get it.

But, the main point I'm finally starting to get from all of this, is we need to drop the need for high "self-esteem," and focus on our "God-esteem"! We would be NOTHING without our Savior, and yet we keep trying to find ways for our relationship with God to make US more special! What a warped view!

Up until recently, I was in this race for me. Trying to do all I could so God would like me more, or be more pleased with me. Sadly, though I knew Jesus is the only reason I'm getting into Heaven, I was living as if I had to help Him make my case! Like, "well I've done this this this and that over there, and I was part of this event and I gave some money to this homeless person and I tried to be patient with my grandmother and, oh yeah, I also accepted Christ."

I hate to even put this into words. The thought of it makes me sick! How could I think Jesus needed my help!?

If we believe we need to do something on our part (works-based faith) beyond accepting Christ into our lives, in order to be saved, we are in effect telling Jesus His sacrifice was insufficient...

2 Corinthians 12:9a
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

So, if His grace is sufficient...but we claim He's insufficient, we're calling Jesus was a liar, then He wasn't the truth... so who is it that we worship?

No, our God is sufficient for all of our needs. He will never leave us or forsake us, and there is nothing that can separate us from His love!

So, ladies, as you ponder these truths, and as I pray for all of you, please continue to pray for me, because I'm still battling this fact in my heart. Pulling away from self-esteem to focus more on God-esteem is not an easy task, but I'm trusting that God isn't going to give up on me until His work is completed in my life!

I love you all my dear sisters! God bless you!!!

The Value of Time

Hey everyone!

Ok so I haven't posted about my weight loss because between family emergencies and getting the worst flu/cold/I don't know what in all of history, I haven't been to the gym, and I've pretty much eaten all things creamy that would make my throat better...somehow my family still says I'm looking thinner, but I'm not really buying it...Anyway I had promised that I'd also share with you things that God has impressed on my heart, so here goes!

Last week (was it last week? time flies) President Obama visited my alma mater to discuss multiple issues, including the high-speed rail system that is about to begin in our area. Now, I'm not going to discuss politics, though I think it's safe to assume how everyone among my current followers feels about him. That is not the issue I want to talk about though, what I want to share with you is what God wants us to consider about time.

One of my professors, Dr. Beckman, argued that no matter where we stood politically regarding the president, we should still be proud that our current leader, whoever he may be, chose the University of Tampa to hold his town hall meeting. This was the first time a sitting president came to our university. He also told me that President Reagan came to the Bay Area but instead spoke at USF...which was a major disappointment at UT. This professor is also a graduate of the university, so we did have to share the pride for a moment that someone so important chose our humble little campus.

But I had to ask myself one question. Would it have been so awesome if Obama came while he was a US congressman from Illinois? What about a community organizer in Chicago? Or a constitutional law professor? Oh, the students would have come to hear him speak, sure, if they were assigned by their own professors to do so, or if they were just that much into politics of law...But now the he's the president! Well well well!

What has changed? He's still the same man he was as a professor in law school, as a vibrant young community organizer, perhaps even as a class leader in elementary school, for all I know. The only thing that has changed is the density of his schedule. We value that he took the time out of his busy busy schedule to come to our relatively small, quaint campus to meet with the students and faculty, and anyone else who lined up for a ticket. The only thing that has changed, is how much time he has.

Now I want that to really sink in. take a minute and think that over.

Now, we serve God. Creator and King of the Universe. Planets, stars, the sun and moon, all rotate at the speed He dictates day in and day out. Every hair on our heads grows (and falls out) as He calls it to. Every bird and animal comes and goes as He pleases. God is quite busy.

Everyone knows of Him...or some idea of Him...they may not acknowledge or know that it is Him, but even scripture says that

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." (Psalm 19:1-4a)

So, everyone (who doesn't live under a rock), by seeing the earth around him, has at least entertained the idea that there was/is some sort of creator...they know there's some sort of decider of right and wrong...or however they want to put it. They may not call him God, but they know there must be something.

So, God is known, to some degree, to many, many people. In other words, He's kind of a big deal...

And not only is He available to us, He desires to have a relationship with us. Think of it as having the president's cell phone number on speed dial, knowing that even if he's in some huge meeting, he'll step out to take the call. God is near us when we call out to Him, and yet we take Him for granted.

Why is it that we have to be "assigned" by our "teachers," (Bible Study teachers, Pastors, even televangelists...whatever, etc.) to meet with Him? Why is it that when we are in a "prayer group", everyone hesitates to be the one to lead the prayer? Why do we think about our quiet times as time cut out of our schedule, rather than time we are priviledged to spend with our King? God wants to spend time with us, and when He's with us, we have His undivided attention. So why do we always stand Him up at the times He wants to prepare to meet with us?

Please do not think I'm trying to judge anyone...I'm just as guilty, if not moreso, as anyone else.

We need to thank God, each time we think of it, for desiring relationship with us and never failing to be at our side when we need Him.

Just a little food for thought, hope it fills you up!

'Til next time!
God Bless you all!